At 21 years of age, I'm still considered fresh, ripe, considerably inexperienced in this society. But so many things has happened, so many things has changed over these years. I came to realise that in university, when I felt like I have indeed changed a lot.
I told myself before university that I'll start afresh, a clean slate. And I did, I didn't have many friends in NTU, a few in my faculty, none in my course. I am starting again from zero. And it made me realise some things.
1. I am not a sociable person
I always felt like I've became more outgoing since my primary school days, where I kept to myself and shied away from attention. But this is still true today. Maybe slightly different, I don't really have the energy nor the cares in the world to fit myself in. I didn't fit in my OG as my OG had a large clique of people who drink, who club, who are outgoing people. I felt like I could if I wanted to , but I didn't.
I found a quote recently that reaffirmed my thoughts on this.
Maybe it wasn't me that needed to fit in, but life that should've fit into me.
2. I am still melancholic
I still feel sad for no reason sometimes. I don't know why. Most of the time when I'm alone, but I do not hate it. To be precise, it's not sadness. It's melancholy. Cheem word right ? Let me extract the definition from Google.
a feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause.I felt this way since young. It's just in my blood I guess. I drift away sometimes and just feel this way. Having made friends of course I don't show this to them but when I'm by myself things just end up this way.
3. I am getting tired very easily
Maybe it's just my body. Or my mind. But I feel tired so quickly now. Mentally, physically. I need sleep. I need to rest. I don't feel like going out. I'm 21 but I feel 61. Is this a medical condition? I don't know. I probably need more exercise, a girlfriend, an actual social circle I guess. Whatever, I'll still need to push myself through this. I can't study while sleeping.
It's interesting to see myself evolve throughout these years. I always wondered how I'll be like in the future and I guess glimpses have shown. If I could meet up with the younger/older me, a version of me at age 10, 20, 30 , 40, 50 ,60, 70, 80, 90, 100. All seeing each other, face to face, talking about their life. Will it be pleasant? I hope so. When I read my old Facebook posts, I cringe, but I smile inside also.
That Shawn was happy, carefree, had problems in his time, but had joy in overcoming it. A part of my history. And I won't be ashamed of that. Alright, I kept those posts private because some cunt may dig it up. But I won't delete it.
It's like how you don't throw away old photographs of yourself. They're still you. And those are parts of me which I never want to let go. I'll look back and laugh to myself.
Ah, how I missed life then.
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