How I changed over the years

Hello everyone that reads my blog (which is nobody), Happy New Year 2026! Wishing you bountiful blessings and happiness for the years to come.

I know my previous post was about how I was going to talk about the monotony of my life, but just now I recently got triggered from a conversation with an asshole stranger that I have never talked to before, and did some self reflection on how it has changed me. Well, this particular incident wasn't the only cause, but it is reflective of how I feel in the past vs now.

Some context, I have a friend from NS, who introduced me into anime and gacha games and this hellhole of spiralling depression (kill me), who asked me if I was willing to contribute to the beginner's game guide that this guy was writing, for the game that I was obsessed with back then. Since I was feeling good at that time, and my friend is my boy (good enough status for me to actually spend time for), I decided why the hell not. Let me give some feedback. So I read the guide, disagreed with some parts. Wrote up a lengthy comment, DMed the author, thought that was it.

What I wasn't expecting was this motherfucker's reply.

TLDR, he became argumentative about his stance in his guide, and was aggressively rude in his responses. 

(this is a small snippet of the very long wall of text that followed)

I'll spare you the frankly mind numbing and also blood boiling details. In the end what I thought would be a short exchange turned out to become a really long argument, too long for my liking now that I look back. I should've just went "Ok, whatever. It's your guide." and just went on my way. Which would have saved me so much time, energy. I would have made peace with whatever nonsense came my way.

If you thought this was just it, I later learnt that he screenshot my conversation with him, and put it inside an online album of pictures called 'Wall of shame', along with screenshots with other people's messages, and spread it around to mock. Apparently these messages, some of them just plain asking questions about the game, others just casual insane talk from perpetually online individuals, into what seemed like a very perverted collection of messages from strangers that maybe wets his whistle enough to be worthy of an Imgur album. I don't know what's bad about what I said till this day. Anyone who makes fun of strangers, be it right in front of their faces, or pathetically behind their backs, is a really sad individual. 

Back then, I was the kind of guy to go onto Internet forums, give my opinions on things, help others when I think I can help them, and get into the occasional Internet argument or two because of that. I was on subreddits of the hobbies that I enjoy, mainly Hololive, FGO, (the gacha game I am referring to earlier) because I engage in that content. But after I realised how immature the community is, I have steeled myself to not engage in any sort of Internet discussion, ever. Period. As much as I want to say "Hey I think that..." or whatever inane nonsense one would spew onto the vast nothingness of social media or forums, I realised that for some reason, people will find fault with you. There's idiots, assholes, cunts, dickheads, for various reasons, be it ideologically, just trolling, or just simply ignorant, they will bring you down. 

To be fair, some people don't really care about this. Like, so what. It's just some guy on the Internet lol let him be. And that makes sense, why should you care about this random cunt? But for me, I feel way too affected by these people. It takes up my headspace, it messes with my train of thought, my focus. Maybe I'm just not as thick skinned as I thought. It came to a point when I told myself, this is never worth it. Why engage in a community where you will not find happiness in? The issue is the community, and not the game / content itself. I still can derive the same enjoyment from these content without ever socialising and interacting with them. So I should just consume the content and game as per usual, and avoid interacting with anyone. Because you never know when you'll be unlucky and step on the landmine of dickheads. 

I feel like I know the reasons behind this. Remember that I was teaching in a secondary school before, and I mentioned that one of the students there was a fan of Gawr Gura, le funny meme shark, which is actually a Vtuber for the aforementioned Hololive agency which had a really cringe community. It's not that everyone is bad. It's just that there are just a portion of them who really makes me want to drink bleach. And it gave me an epiphany once I saw that a secondary school child is a fan of the content I'm engaged with. Because that one child could actually be the person I'm arguing with online. I, 25 years of age, am arguing with a literal child whose first exposure to literacy is through Youtube videos of some talking toilet or whatever skibidi 67 rizz kill me please. 

In this case, they aren't the cringe one. I would be the cringe one, for arguing with a literal child. Imagine spending the time to write out a fully substantiated argumentative essay to debate with a 13 year old. Relevant link:

My whole mindscape changed after realising that. It kind of hit me socially as well, I started to not be as social as before. Not because I could run the risk of talking to children (to be fair, I shudder trying to interact with a teenager nowadays), but even in reality, when I'm interacting with adults, it doesn't guarantee that I'm actually interacting with an adult. All I can see is a facade of a functioning well maintained working member of society, but behind that facade could be some mentally instable degenerate who is ready torture chickens in his neighbourhood as a stress reliever. And when you realise that, do you really want to talk to such people? Of course, maybe it's just me going off the rails, just getting schizophrenia, voices in my head telling me "My CEO is a chicken torturer". Implying I'm not some siaolang talking to himself in a blogpost.

However, after reading more and more news, learning about people in general, interacting with cunts in NS, university, online, offline. I would be a fool to call this world a kind and pleasant one. Even in a relatively educated society like in Singapore, the denizens here can act like they grew up as an orphan living in the sewers. Some can be polite on the outside, but their actions speak otherwise. Some can't even manage to put on a front with decorum, and just straight up go at you. It's maddening, but it makes sense. It's illogical, but it can be true.

Simply, there are lowlifes who are a net negative to society. They do not deserve kindness, no matter how much kind people give to them. I do not think that any amount of rehabilitation will change them. They are just born like that, maybe made through circumstance, or maybe through their nature of being a cunt. And, for the less sinister side, there's children. Who have the sin of ignorance and immaturity. They may not mean ill, but I would need to bring myself back to 14 years old to talk to them on the same playing field, and I don't have the facilities for that soon.

Anyway, maybe its cause I'm jaded, not enough energy, too much Uma Musume: Pretty Derby available on Android, iOS, Steam which somehow makes me want to attend live Japanese G1 Horse Racing for my upcoming trip to Tokyo, but I just felt that over the years, I have become apathetic to things around me. Not that I have lost my conscience and humanity, I still feel outraged over atrocities in society. Like what the hell, we have enough mala stalls in SG already la I don't eat spicy food ffs. But I have now become much less reactionary, less proactive, and more cautious. I still think I will help people, but not overzealously do so. I will not jump at the opportunity, especially for strangers, to make their day. Because it probably won't, and funnily enough it may ruin my day. Because we as a species, as humanity, is a net negative to this world (citation needed). There are really outstanding human beings out there, but there really are another bunch that's dragging us down. It's why we have long standing issues, that seemingly everyone talks about but people in power, who know about it, but yet do nothing about it, just claim that it is your responsibility, not mine. It's you who should pay for plastic bags, and not the mega corporations generating 9 megafucktons of waste per second. It is you at fault. Have you looked at yourself? You should give your seat to others, but me, I will take this seat for myself. I deserve it. I am entitled to this, not you. This is why Singa the kindness lion seppukued. He knows.

Anyway, if I would rant about how messed up this world is, I would go on forever. But I realised that and now spend my time on trying to make sure I enjoy myself, fully. While I still can.

Status in life check, looking to find a new job. Tokyo trip soon. Scorpio cup 1st round 17/20. Life may not be perfect, in fact it may be absolutely shite. But I still want to see tomorrow.